Welcome back to Tinderland sweetcheeks! It’s that time of the month (ew, not that! I mean the OTHER time of the month), where we sit back and get our REAL TALK on. Glad to have you back, I missed ya!

I hope my last set of Tinder tips helped you bag a slammin’ hottie and your matches are coming in thick and fast!  Now let’s kick this bad boy up a notch and talk about the art of the chat and dare I say….the FIRST DATE! Today and in my next posts I’m gonna share some personal experiences (awkward) and some funny stories from my Tinder troops to illustrate how to NOT be a complete walloper and bag yoself a Tinder bae! Oh, and don’t worry (as I hear the heartbeats of anyone I’ve spoken to pick up rapidly) EVERYTHING will be anonymous, because I’m feeling generous today.

So you got a match, what the heck do you do now?
We’ve all, (yes ALL , stop kidding yourself) got a little over excited when we first joined Tinder and decided that it’s an AMAZING idea to have 15 conversations going at one time. Soon though (probably after the 15th ‘So, what brought you to Tinder?’) you’ll realize that actually, you can’t be bothered with this.  Time to get cut throat baby…

Do – go with your gut, it’s almost always right. We ALL know that Tinder aint exactly shooting fish in a barrel, you gotta wade through some stinkers (I know, I’m sorry). There are spells where nobody is floating your boat and you might let your standards drop on the ole right swiping. Next thing you know, someone is messaging you and you’re all ‘WHAT was I thinking?’ CUT THEM LOOSE. Trust me, unmatch that shiz. It’s Tinder, the symbol is a FLAME, so unless he/ she is lighting a flame under your sweet little butt, just unmatch and get on with your life.

Don’t– settle for chat that goes nowhere. Let’s be honest here, if you’re on Tinder for a quick bang then that’s fine baby; but if not, the chat is important. Remember that at some point you are probably going to meet this person in REAL LIFE (scary), so if they can’t even make decent chat when they have all the time in the world and zero pressure to come up with a response, imagine how excruciating it’s going to be when you’re face to face and the chat is dry. If you’re anything like me, I wouldn’t be able to hide my boredom, so do yourself a favour and run.

Don’t– send naked selfies to a relative stranger. That’s not exclusive to Tinder in fairness, general life rule. Even if your face isn’t in it, it’s still not cool and you’ll be pretty effing devastated when dem titties show up on Lad Bible. Keep your junk under wraps; not forever (oh no, honey) just till you can trust them…you little rascal.

Dont add them as a friend on Facebook prior to meeting them. TRUST me, I’ve done this and it’s just a mess 99% of the time. Totally awk-ward when you have to delete/ block them when it all goes tits up OR cancel your date because you discovered a picture of them that they didnt untag and they look super ugly.  That shiz happens to the best of us, it’s not fair to hold that against someone.  Or in my friends case, they turn out to be a shit wedding magician…with a cape… and a white rabbit…to me, this couldv’e gone down in Tinder jackpot history, but can you BELIEVE he didn’t even do a trick for her on their first date??? BUH- BYE.

I think I’ve covered almost all bases here, so let’s move on to….

YOUR FIRST DATE BABY!

So it’s settled, you’re meeting up…you go Glen Coco!!! Proud of ya! Prior to the date puh-LEASE

Don’t stalk them on Tinder to see their activity. This actually goes for after the date too. Your mind works overtime and, eh, you’re active too baby. You’re not going to be the person who says ‘I noticed you’re still active, so uh what does that mean for us?’ No one wants to be THAT guy. Trust me, I’ve been on a date with THAT guy. I’ve  been asked that question by THAT guy and I absolutely annihalated THAT guy for being THAT guy.

Do keep the first date time- bound. By this I mean after work drinks, lunch, something like that- see if you like them before date 2 (bonus if date 1 keeps going). Don’t ACTUALLY have other plans, just in case a pure dreamboat shows up ya know? Keep your easy escape- and don’t do the emergency call from your friend, they will know, it will be awkward.

However…

Don’t be afraid to cut and run. Harsh, I know. I’ve never had to do it, but I was on a date with a pure Gosling and every time I went to powder my nose (in the old fashioned sense, not the Glasgow sense) I was so worried in case he did the dip on me (he didn’t, thankfully *hey bae*). My friend once quit a date half way through dinner and before bowling because the guy was just answering her questions and giving NOTHING back! You have more fun things to do with your time than sit in silence with some douche…on to the next honey.

Don’t get wasted drunk straight away. On my very first date since becoming single I thought I’d be sophisticated and drink wine and absolutely, definitely would get my last train home. Before I met him, I thought (as you do) that a jagerbomb or 2 would take the edge off. WRONG. Cue Hurricane Kirsty- approx 4 bottles of wine and 6 hours later I am being chucked out of Bar Bloc (it was a case of mistaken identity, I PROMISE!) with no bag, no phone, no house keys, no money and NO HOPE. I cried, ALOT. It was a disaster. The guy was an absolute gentleman about it, but every time we spoke after that, I got the fear all over again. I ruined it, because that’s what Hurricane Kirsty does. Learn from my ridiculousness, stay sensible please.

Don’t panic if they’re not “the one”.  If they are decent chat and unlikely to be a serial killer, hang out.  You can always explain that it’s not going any further later.  They’re the one right now and that’s pretty great.  My suggestion is- do the No Strings Tinder thing (if you’re that way inclined) or just finish off the date naturally and dont beat yourself up about it. *see my next installment about the art of dumping/ getting dumped with dignity

Do be the kind of person that you’d want to date. That’s a great start.  Ultimately, thats all anyone is looking for so just take a deep breath, try to relax, jooosh your hair and for the love of God, please don’t spank jagerbombs before they arrive….

Till next time sweetcheeks,
Kirsty xxx