Well HELLO sweetcheeks!  Here we are, the end of an era…the final installment of my Adventures in Tinderland *sobs

Since my Adventures began,  I’ve talked you through getting your sweet little ass into online dating, how to make your profile an absolute BEAUT and what NOT to do on a first date….and boy oh boy do I hope you’ve had fun!  We’ve come full circle and today I’m gonna talk you through my Do’s and my HELL NO’s of dumping someone and more importantly, getting dumped with dignity.  So come on baby,  hold my hand and let’s take our final Tinder Adventure together… 

To say I’ve been a Tinder success would be putting it lightly *dusts off shoulder

Here’s how it went down.   I went on one date, arranged and cancelled SO MANY because I metaphorically SHAT it and happened to meet an absolute DREAMBOAT on my second ever Tinder date who is now my fully fledged, absolute, all-time favourite face in the whole world who I’ve been with ever since : )  HOWEVER, just because I nailed it on my second date (not in the sense your thinking sweetcheeks, I’m a lady OBVZ) does not mean I haven’t racked up some Do’s and Don’ts about letting someone down gently when you’re searching (and failing to find) your very own Tinder Bae.

Do- Be honest.  Each time I cancelled on a potential date, I thought the best thing to do was make up an excuse, WRONG!  Everyone does this and it’s incredibly obvious.  One guy actually called me out so bad and honestly, I entirely deserved it.  Of course no one wants to hear that you’re just not that into them…but they hear that LOUD and CLEAR when you tell them that your boiler has burst (ashamedly that was mine, but in fairness I did see one drip of water one time underneath it), your flat was broken into or that you TOTALLY forgot it was your Mum and Dad’s anniversary.  It’s all bullshit.

Don’t- Ghost someone.  If you don’t know what this is, it’s just completely ignoring someone.  We ALL want to do this at some point but really, it just makes you look like an absolute dickhead so don’t.  It’s mean and hurtful even if you don’t really know the person.  I’m sitting up here on my high horse but honey, lemme just get down because I have absolutely done this before but I know I’d be gutted if someone (ANYONE) did it to me.  Plus, every EFFING messaging service EVER  kindly lets people know when you’ve read their message, which makes their inkling become a reality and pours ALL the salt in all the wounds.  Ouchi.

So that’s the basics.  If you don’t wanna see someone again, strap on a pair and just let them know.  You don’t have to go into specifics (“I thought you were sound until you told me your favourite movie of all time is ‘Taken’ and now I think you’re a colossal fanny”- just me?), just say you don’t think there was chemistry/ you don’t see it going much further.  Give them your best wishes on any future endeavours and get the fuck out of the conversation.  DONE.

Now.  Here’s the true test of an online dater.  Brace yerselves….leave your pride at the door and let me tell ya how to get shit-canned with dignity…

Don’t- Get TOTES EMOSH.  When a Tinder date and I were calling it a day- admittedly, I was sacking it off in ALL the wrong ways and he had had enough (hence my previous tips).  His emotional rollercoaster started off in Angry Town, made a quick left into Self- Loathing Ville, strangely straight into Self Importance City and then pulled back into the bigger and better version of Angry Town and began questioning my entire character.  That was before we even had a SECOND DATE.  In fairness to the guy, at times I CAN be a ‘dillusional arsehole’ i.e- when I’m trying on clothes and strutting around my dressing room like I‘m Gigi Hadid, then yes honey, I am a dillusional arsehole.  When I drive around in my Fiat 500 whipping my hair around and spitting game like I’m Nicki Minaj, of COURSE, I am a dillusional arsehole.  However, if you call me a bad person because I didn’t want to see you again, you need to check yerself before you wreck yerself pal.

Don’t – Be a dick about it.  I have a friend who’s Tinder beau  (date 3 I think), threw the cost of the dinner he bought her back in her face when she said she didn’t think it was going to go much further.  Is he FOR REALS?   I also have another friend who’s date said to her ‘oh, and don’t think we’re going to be friends after this, because we are not’…aye ok petal.

Do- Take it on the chin.  No one wants to get dumped.  No one wants to dump someone.  It’s awkward and uncomfortable for both of you so let’s not make it any worse than it needs to be whether it’s sacking off a second date or a yearlong relationship, let’s keep it classy.  We’ve all had our hearts broken and we’ve all (yes ALL, don’t look at me like that!), made a dick of ourselves over an Ex at one point, but let’s live and learn please.

And lastly, for the love of God…

Don’t- Get dumped and ask them a week later to reconsider.  Getting double- dunter dumped over a Tinder encounter is just….NO.

So there you have it sweetcheeks, my all singing all dancing guide to not making a prick of yourself.  I honestly hope you have had fun coming with me on my Adventures in Tinderland and whether you are single and reading for tips, or happily wifed- up and just laughing at my mis-haps I am genuinely so happy I decided to share my ridiculousness with you all.  The feedback has been hilarious.

Oh and don’t fret honey, I’ll be back in the new year and continuing my Dating Guides so we have plenty more Adventures to look forward too ; )

So this is me, signing off and signing out of Tinder for the final time.  Go forth sweetcheeks and date, dine, smooch and sex till your wee hearts content and please think of me anytime someone breaks one of my all-important Tinder Commandments.

It’s been emosh sweetcheeks,

Kirsty xxx

P.s – always remember, My Golden Tinder Rule- No Roasters.